he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
