I think i peed on brittanys purse
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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