I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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