I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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