Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize