he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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