my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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