onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
