my soul wont recognize me after tonight
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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