She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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