My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
