so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize