It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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