like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
