Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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