i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
