The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
