that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
