Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
