I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
