did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
