when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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