Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My ass is underappreciated
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
