She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
