she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
