I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
