'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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