Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
