I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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