I'm laying in your front yard are you home
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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