it hurts more in the daytime
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize