How'd it feel making her break her religion?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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