I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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