apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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