yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize