They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
