last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
