Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
