In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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