So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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