How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
