If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
