Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize