it was like eating out sand paper
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
