I am puke
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
