I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize