Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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