Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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