We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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