also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
