and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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