im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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