Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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