It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
