I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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