what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
