Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
